Of course it was.
And now, to the synchronicities.
*My mom passed away shortly after midnight on April 4th, 4-4. I remember thinking that 4-4 had a nice roundness to it if I was even able to see anything "nice" about anything at all. We had the wake and funeral at a funeral home close to where we live, and I didn't notice the "44" sign for the building next to it the evening of the wake.
*At some point last winter, it seemed like every time I looked at the time it was on the 11's (5:11, 9:11), and shortly after the girls started noticing as well. It happened that we had my mom's funeral a week after she passed, partly because of schedules and partly because of the weather. I opened my calendar to write down some notes, 11am on 4-11.
We went out to a restaurant with family and friends after the funeral, and while we were waiting for our food I let a phone call go to voice mail. When I checked, the call came at 1:11 and someone left a message that was 1 minute 11 seconds.
*Boston had a dreary April. Full of clouds and rain.
But the 4th and the 11th? Dry, crisp, beautifully blue not-a-cloud-in-the-sky, days.
This morning I thought of this blog, how complete and right it felt to begin yesterday. Then, in the next breath, sadness swept me into a ravenous longing for connection. My mom loved the blog I wrote years ago, filled with the unremarkable everyday of my young family. She was unconditional love, and I have found myself seeking that warmth since April.
So many moments since her death have lined up perfectly, without warning or explanation. These serve as reminders that there is beauty even in the void of grief. That when I'm low and looking at everything through a slightly grey-tinged lens, I get to be my own source of unconditional love. It's incredibly hard to stay in a place of lack when the world around me has shown so much mercy, without me asking.
*Post title from the song "Stay High" by Brittany Howard, another synchronicity for another time.
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