BEAST.

This morning after taking the kids to school, all I could think about was the inner work I’ve done this ENTIRE year, almost literally. From the aftermath of Christmas, when my body shut down and I was barely able to force myself to go to work, until now, December 20th. It’s just days before Christmas, the first Christmas without my mom. In an interesting turn of events, my dad is now the one in a compromised health situation. Recovery from his back surgery 5 weeks ago has not been smooth. It’s been downright abysmal, actually. But even though it has challenged our family in every way imaginable, the energy we are putting into the support (and worry) surrounding my dad means we don’t have much left for the sadness of the past. If you can call that a silver lining, go right ahead, join my club. 

I don’t know that I’ve ever been able to truly look back on something I’ve worked on and been as surprised and proud of how much I accomplished and how transformative it’s been. For the first time (or at least the first time I’ve been cognizant of it), I’ve made thinking a productive endeavor. For most of my life, what I thought was productivity was really avoidance or procrastination. There was a lot of internal dialogue, but it was done absentmindedly or manifested as misdirected introspection. Instead of working to connect the dots or solve a problem, I thought in circles to avoid connecting the dots or holding myself and others accountable. 

From the outside, it might look like the past 11 months have passed by without any accomplishments. 

But. BUT! BUUUUUUUUUUUT! 

I have never felt better about who I am, who I’ve been, and who I have in mind for my future self (though I fully expect to have my ideas on certain things change along the way). My time during the day when the house is quiet and I am alone without external distractions has become so necessary to my wellbeing that I find myself getting crankier and crankier as Sunday rolls on. By Sunday night I am desperate for solitude. Spending time together as a family, especially when I am present without having to consciously force it, means a lot to Zane and me. When I can step back and watch the daily, unfiltered moments rise to their potential I am filled with gratitude. But when I have not had time to check in with myself and get my thoughts and emotions outside of my head and onto paper, I can feel like I am going to unravel.

During the week it’s just me. It’s common for me to have an unrealistic list of things in my head that I want to get done, but to then spend much of my time in my head thinking about what I’m thinking about. I have done so much of this “pre-thinking” that it has allowed me to actually untangle my thoughts by writing and then arrange my understanding in dramatic ways. My current view of myself is as much in focus as it was when I was little and knew what I wanted and didn’t hesitate to communicate, not just to the outside world, but to myself. My internal dialogue shifted so that now my experiences, both inner and outer, mix to relate to a deeper understanding of where and why certain thoughts and emotions stem from. Major themes and trends in my self-awareness repeatedly expose themselves in slightly different scenarios, and one by one I’m working through them. 

A successful day for me right now means that I can reflect on the moments when I chose to live or act in a way that felt like it could produce the best experience of outcome for the most people. This is slightly different than when I would either compromise my own wants to allow others theirs (with less than loving intentions), or selfishly fail to consider the perspectives of those around me. And again, this awareness of the contrast in my approaches is also slightly different than just a few months ago. I am not angry with myself for the way I used to behave, and I’m getting better at forgiving myself when I slip back into my grouchiest habits and behaviors. 

Long story short...it might have looked at times like stagnation, but this year has been a transformative time of growth, with a distinct feeling to it that can’t quite be put into words. It’s like hearing a song that pulls up memories from a phase in your life, and your senses are flooded with memories of then. You could list specific attributes to convey its essence, but it still can’t capture the uniqueness of your physical experience. I feel like some years can blend into one another, especially when your daily surroundings don’t change. But 2019? It will be remembered and recognized as a beast with a beautiful and comforting aura.